hello blog.

again, it's been a long time since i wrote in here. i had my laptop taken away from me, amongst other punishments, for something which happened on christmas day. it was one of those arguments that you look back on and realize how silly they are, how you can't even remember the cause. yet they escalate, until the christmas dinner you spent ages slaving over because it was the first time your parents let you cook it, is burning in the oven. your little sister has run upstairs in tears and your mum is hovering anxiously while you and your dad have a full blown screaming match. you are being incredibly rude and disrespectful, but you don't care; all the anguish and hurt of the last couple of months comes pouring out your mouth in an insensible babble. you are hysterical. your dad hits you to calm you down and your hand flies to your smarting cheek. he storms out, banging the door behind him. overcome with rage, you slam open the door, hitting it against the radiator, which promptly falls off the wall. cue lots more swearing, screaching and tears from your mother as she checks the damage. you, locked in the bathroom, are overcome with guilt - however hard you try not to, you always end up hurting her.
          fastforward past rash punishments and a burnt dinner eaten in sullen silence, to the dr who christmas special, where your mum tearfully hugs you and tries to get you to make up with your dad. choked with a mix of remorse and resentment, you can't speak. yet you sleep well that night, exhausted from the fight. nothing is resolved, nothing changes. it is the calm before the next storm.

we went down to see my aunt, uncle and cousin in london a couple of days ago. he's 13, my cousin, and a little terror. he reminds me so much of my aunt, with his outward swaggar and constant chatter that i have to remind myself that they aren't relalted, (he's adopted). i get on quite well with my aunt, although i sometimes find my eyes glazing over during her long speeches. she has suggested i come up to london to see a couple of plays with her, as her husband and son aren't into that sort of thing. she can get cheap tickets, being a drama teacher. i get on with my uncle too. he's very funny, in a dry, sarcastic way. he's obsessed with football and has a west ham season ticket. reading through this, that's actually all i know about him.
          my cousin, although annoyingly 'alpha male,' is really very shy, especially of me. he's very musically gifted; having only been learning piano a year, he can already play a tune performed by a girl in my gcse music class, for her mock exam. as for the little bits and pieces he's composed, well, i'd quite like to steal them for my gcse music composition. bless him, he looked so happy, yet disbelieving when i praised his abilities. i felt so protective over him - i think i have that sort of maternal instinct which makes me emphasise with people and want to make them happy.
          this is why my future plans include, after 6th form and university, a couple of years helping out in a third world country, perhaps in a school. maybe it'll become a career? i don't know. i'm trying not to worry about the future at the moment.

yesterday was another family outing, this time to stevenage. no, it wasn't for the shops, it was because i had an appointment. if you don't know what i'm on about, don't worry and don't ask. thing is, my family didn't need to all be there. it was nice to get a lift, but i don't see either of my parents offering to come with me when it means taking time off work. i don't expect them to, but when i'm not missing school or anything... also, why did my little sister need to come!? i don't want her involved! consequently, as you can imagine, i was in a bad mood.
          i was in an even worse mood when i left the building - i'd been in tears for a couple of hours straight. where does all the salty liquid come from? i didn't know my body could contain so much. sometimes i wish i was one of those people who never cried, who never showed any emotion. then i think, how boring. how utterly, dreadfully empty their lives must be. it goes back to the old saying; would you rather have loved and lost or to have never loved at all? i'd definately choose the former. i keep reminding myself of that when i feel down - like the last few days i've been sleeping 'til 1 then moping around the house for the rest of the day, refusing to eat. no i'm not anorexic, i just haven't been hungry. i feel so listless, like nothing could induce me to take an interest in anything. god, i'm so selfish.

and i still miss difficult boy.