you sit there in your heartache, waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways

well, that didn't go according to plan. give up izz? yeah, do it. we both know he's too good for you; you're only worth drunken thirty year old men.

oh, and banana boy. he was texting me the other night, he told me he loved me. i thought he was drunk, apparently not so. he confuses me; i was completely crazy about him and i pushed him away. he went through this massive 'depressive stage' that he said was because of me. but how can that be? we are both only sixteen! way too young to fall that hard and that fast. what shall i do? it was nearly a year ago we were together, do i really want to drag all that up again? also, he really hurt me. he completely messed me around, but i could have delt with that. this is the song he sent me to describe how he felt:

It starts with
One thing, I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
One thing, I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so far
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

(8)our innocence is gone tonight

i'm really excited about katie's party, it will be brilliant. i'm a little worried about my costume, how the fuck am i meant to make a lampshade skirt? oh well, i'll improvise somehow. katie's costume will be easy to make, she's already got the material and i've got an idea (:

"i miss my best friend. i dont know if and when she'll come back, but i hope she does. tonight reminded me of how we used to be. i miss they way we would have completely irrelevant and non-understandable conversations, and carry them on for hours, and the way we'd discuss the world, and be honest and frank about our lives. i miss you, you silly girl. so when you're ready, fancy going for a 'walk'?"

that's what loren's just said to me over msn. (L) too much love for her right now, i'm sorry today was a failure. although i did have fun.

i don't believe in luck.

woahh, hello blog i said i'd never write in again. since pretty much everyone else has stopped now, i thought i'd start again. just to be difficult.

i was reading my friends blog, about how nothing is purely conicidental, everything happens for a reason; luck is all there is to it. i don't belive in luck, i think we make our own. i've certainly killed any chance i would've had with this boy i like (let's call him bracelet boy), by being too stoned and drunk to move every time we're in the same vicinity. that's another thing i dislike at the moment - the drugs and the alcohol and the smoking. i've drank and smoked weed every single day so far this holiday apart from today - the first night i've come home sober. i don't like it!! this morning i actually found myself craving a spliff and a bottle of wine ;| no more getting high for iz - it makes me boring anyway.
          i'm so happy for lorenence, the seem like such a cute couple. i hope they last; she needs a decent relationship. i talk to him on msn and stuff, he seems reall nice. conversation between me and lawrence about bracelet boy:
izzie. says:

how can you tell, though?
if a boy who's a little shy and who doesn't give much away likes you?
Lawrence says:
ask
izzie. says:
i can't do that!!

i can't do that. i'm too shy when it comes to boys i like. not with anyone else, just boys. it sucks.

ohhhhhh, my so-called "last blog post." i got so much hate for that. i won't go into it cause it's all in the past, but it caused some major group shifting at school. although things are almost back to normal now, i wish i hadn't been so harsh. so once again, sorry guys. you're all worth so much more. but yeah, school. friends with difficult boy again, which is good but i'm never going to that level of trust with anyone again, not even him. i refuse to talk about my 'issues' to anybody.

izzie. says:

well, is it your aunt? she never knew her baby either, but she still loved him/her
friend says:
Yeah that's the whole other thing..
izzie. says:
you don't have to know somebody to love them unconditionally, cause that wouldn't be unconditional
friend says:
She's giving birth to it tonight
So obviously she'll see the baby
and hold it
and then feel it's warmth die away? i can't even begin to imagine..
izzie. says:
):
neither can i
it would break my heart

oh my god. poor friend. poor aunt. i don't know what to say to him - i want to make it better but i can't even begin to imagine holding my newborn baby as it dies, knowing i can't save it.

bonjourno, last post.

i keep on going further and further, trying to feel something, i keep on falling harder and faster, trying to find my way. i can't write lyrics for shit.

shall i be honest? is this going to be the first completely honest blog that anyone i know has ever written? probably not; let's face it, we're a load of pretentious, self-absorbed children who over-exaggerate to cover up a huge lack of self-esteeem. blogs aren't diaries, blogs are an excuse for self-indulgence, or at least, that's my opinion; if you are are blogger you'll probably disagree.

take a look around you, tell me what you see. am i content with the world got given to me, with all these god-fearing folk on their hands and knees? look at all the miscreants, begging as they plead: i promise to be good, i promise to try hard. show me the road to heaven and i'll put myself through hell. sweat, blood and tears pouring down your naked back, shamed and shunned, still their dammned, what happens after that? persever until the end, fly to heaven on broken wings, pride gone beyond redemption, i guess at least they tried. can i cast aside my difidence, built up by many years of defiance? determination, can you save our souls, or is it just too late? i sound like the frikkin antichrist.

i hate life. it's so strange; our solo purpose is to produce offspring to keep the human race alive, right? but why? what is the point of keeping a species alive? it's almost like a couple of infinate beings, 'god's' if you like, are having a competition to see who can keep which species, plantful of species', or even universe alive for the longest. that would make a lot more sense. there we go, that is my theory: god is a gambler and one of many. but then how did god get here? do god and his cronies have a belief system? i would so laugh if they prayed to the infinate wisdom of 'human.' irony makes my life complete. well, that and romanticism; i'm only a cynic because i'm afraid to be a romantic.

i've got a strange thing going on inside my head: a crazy kind of notion, thick, choking pollution, blackened to the bone, no doubt about it. why am i in top set english?

i kinda went off on a tangant there, i'd forgotten how much i enjoy writing about myself. but yeah, i've just been looking through my diary...

24th sept. happy birthday izzie. ed, ed, ed.
26th nov. godspell. loren. drop out?
28th nov. ouch, buise. foundation. tim: "izzie, have you got a bruise under your eye?"
30th nov. mocks.
6th dec. letter from dad.
8th dec. two petty arguments in one day.
9th dec. it's all downhill from here.
25th dec. fight, fight fight.
6th march. fml.



... and realized i've written in it so little since i got a blog. i've also realized how honest (and how harsh), i am about people compared to on here. lolololololololol. time to read through my blog -reads- i like my second post, that was one of the best moments of my life. -reads on- why was i so obsessed with difficult boy (his name's tim)? i have bad taste. cambridge was brilliant though, i might have to see banana boy again (james sims, this one's called). -carries on reading- ahh new years eve.

1. to quit smoking by 2011. that's not going to happen. i don't have a reason to quit.
2. to work. now that is happening, i've actually been doing my cousework, which is a start.
3. to give up on difficult boy and find someone else. lying to myself counts.
4. to find my friends and keep them. yeahh, still working on that one.

-reads- grandad. you've gone but my feelings for you are forever. we didn't see eye to eye on many things, partly because i take after you so much. i miss you, i love you. -reads on- yeahh, i've lost the game. but now the game has changed, i might have a chance. it's not about finding, it's about losing, it's about hurting. -carries on reading- ahh, my head is beautiful. it still looks like that as well. hmm, my to kill list; loren, you are not nameless person; you did not hit me with a baseball bat when i was just a fetus.

sometimes i wonder, if i will see,
it through the darkened days, and i,
never can be sure, cause life is such,
a fragile thing and i, owe it all to you,

cause you just left me there, when i needed you,
thanks alot baby. if you want to know something,
really sad, then i still love you to bits.
more than anything, and it's tearing my apart.
reminissence: that was the first song i ever wrote. i was eleven, i sat in a pear tree in turkey.

anywayyss, i could tell you all what i really think of you. i could, but shall i? yeahh, why not. but be warned: before you read, i am in a bad mood, so it will not be flattering and i won't be explaining any of it, so if you don't understand, tough shit. alphabetical order, me thinks:

Beesley. you hide behind your funny-because-they're-purposely-shit jokes, don't you?
Cameron. loren doesn't fancy you, neither do riah, rachel, me or any other girls who happen to have a conversation with you. you're funny, but i think you're so two-faced. i love the fact you hate me, it's entertaining.
Ed. why did i like you? you're a strange kettle of fish, but i'm glad i'm over what a cunt you were. have fun with your petty little life.

she, know what everybody thinks, so she tries so hard to fit, the image that they give her.
he, takes a look around himself and doesn't like what he sees, but is blind to what's really there.i wish i could write lyrics.

Grace. i miss you. i feel like you've replaced me with loren, but what can you do, eh? that's probably just my insecurities getting the better of me.
Hazel. reading through my blog made me remember why i argued with you. do that again and you lose me for good, but i don't want that to happen. you're a part of my life now.
James M. you are so annoying, it makes me want to spontaniously implode. but i guess you have to have one annoying friend.
James S. i can't talk to you without thinking about that six months or so when you went crazy. sometimes i wonder if we will end up married, but then i realize how it would never work; we're too different. you're also bloody annoying.
Katie. the more i get to know you, the more i like you. you're hard to suss out, but i think i'm getting there. i will say that you don't need to lie about anything, because you're at your best when you're being honest. don't fuck off when you go to college, i still want to see you.

they've got matching towels in the bathroom, chairs in the lounge and if you go into the kitchin, you'll find egg-cups on a stand. they seem to lead the perfect life: never arguing, never fighting, but  is life really what it seems? and i wish i could sing.

Kyle. a good friend of mine thinks you have hidden depths. i disagree, but i hope for her sake she's right.
Loren/Lulu. you don't like sharing people, do you? i love loren to bits, but i don't like lulu at all. please stick with loren; it's actually you, not some farcade you feel you need to put on. the real you is bloody amazing. oh and everyone thinks you're either going to get with cameron or tim. my bets on tim, so if it does ever happen, you can talk to me like he's lawrence or hugo or someone. and don't ever leave my life.
Mollie. similar to what i said to katie; don't lie, you're at your best when you're being honest. i like you a lot more than i used to, which, i think is a maturity thing.
Riah. you don't always have to like someone, especially based on their looks. the boys you go for are so shallow; don't fall for them because of the same reasons they pick pretty airheads. you're way above that petty immaturity, but unfortunately some people never go out of it. you don't leave my life either.
Roxy. wear less layers; it's not constantly minus 10000000 degrees out there. yes, you're right; i do get annoyed with you alot, but i love you to bits for your kind heart. soo don't change, unless you're gonna build up your self-confidence. it needs doing.
Sam. sorry if i've led you on, but i am starting to like you now. let's just take it slow.

she, is pacing up and down her room, tearing up all the songs she used to write when she was young.
he, collects all the bits of paper, cherishing them like his own, not realizing they are about him.then i'd have a caeer made.

Tim. i don't want to steal loren/rachel/whoever from you, so there's no need for the bitchiness; you need to realize that as long as we're at the same school we're going to share mutual friends. i honestly can't wait for you to disappear from my life, because then (withouth being over melodramatic), the pain will finally start to fade.
Will. i get the feeling you like me a lot more now, why is that? tim? although we didn't get on brilliantly when we had our little group of me+loren+you+tim. people say you've changed; i agree, but they need to get over it.
i'm sure i'll think of more people later.

 am i not pretty enough, is my heart too broken?
do i cry too much, am i too outspoken?
i live, i breathe, i let it rain on me,
why do you see right through me?
am i not cool enough, am i too confident?
do i laugh too much, is it time that i went?
i live, i breathe, i let it rain on me,
i fall, i wake, i try so hard not to break,
i beg, i plead, i fall down on my knees,
why do you see right through me?

caio.

hello stranger

wow, i haven't written in here for a while. hello stranger (: tbh, i just can't be bothered to write about the ski trip in half term. but it was fun. oh, and get over the fact that i did not, will not fuck ashley davis. end of. also, rachel says she's fit.

life atm is strange. i don't like it, i want to fastforwards past these next few months of revision and exam practice. p.s i love you.

that was andrew.

apologies to any staving ugandan children who read this - i'll send you some food (;

supper malnourishment of asian babies in uganda

i am izzie :)