i don't believe in luck.

woahh, hello blog i said i'd never write in again. since pretty much everyone else has stopped now, i thought i'd start again. just to be difficult.

i was reading my friends blog, about how nothing is purely conicidental, everything happens for a reason; luck is all there is to it. i don't belive in luck, i think we make our own. i've certainly killed any chance i would've had with this boy i like (let's call him bracelet boy), by being too stoned and drunk to move every time we're in the same vicinity. that's another thing i dislike at the moment - the drugs and the alcohol and the smoking. i've drank and smoked weed every single day so far this holiday apart from today - the first night i've come home sober. i don't like it!! this morning i actually found myself craving a spliff and a bottle of wine ;| no more getting high for iz - it makes me boring anyway.
          i'm so happy for lorenence, the seem like such a cute couple. i hope they last; she needs a decent relationship. i talk to him on msn and stuff, he seems reall nice. conversation between me and lawrence about bracelet boy:
izzie. says:

how can you tell, though?
if a boy who's a little shy and who doesn't give much away likes you?
Lawrence says:
ask
izzie. says:
i can't do that!!

i can't do that. i'm too shy when it comes to boys i like. not with anyone else, just boys. it sucks.

ohhhhhh, my so-called "last blog post." i got so much hate for that. i won't go into it cause it's all in the past, but it caused some major group shifting at school. although things are almost back to normal now, i wish i hadn't been so harsh. so once again, sorry guys. you're all worth so much more. but yeah, school. friends with difficult boy again, which is good but i'm never going to that level of trust with anyone again, not even him. i refuse to talk about my 'issues' to anybody.

izzie. says:

well, is it your aunt? she never knew her baby either, but she still loved him/her
friend says:
Yeah that's the whole other thing..
izzie. says:
you don't have to know somebody to love them unconditionally, cause that wouldn't be unconditional
friend says:
She's giving birth to it tonight
So obviously she'll see the baby
and hold it
and then feel it's warmth die away? i can't even begin to imagine..
izzie. says:
):
neither can i
it would break my heart

oh my god. poor friend. poor aunt. i don't know what to say to him - i want to make it better but i can't even begin to imagine holding my newborn baby as it dies, knowing i can't save it.