bonjourno, last post.

i keep on going further and further, trying to feel something, i keep on falling harder and faster, trying to find my way. i can't write lyrics for shit.

shall i be honest? is this going to be the first completely honest blog that anyone i know has ever written? probably not; let's face it, we're a load of pretentious, self-absorbed children who over-exaggerate to cover up a huge lack of self-esteeem. blogs aren't diaries, blogs are an excuse for self-indulgence, or at least, that's my opinion; if you are are blogger you'll probably disagree.

take a look around you, tell me what you see. am i content with the world got given to me, with all these god-fearing folk on their hands and knees? look at all the miscreants, begging as they plead: i promise to be good, i promise to try hard. show me the road to heaven and i'll put myself through hell. sweat, blood and tears pouring down your naked back, shamed and shunned, still their dammned, what happens after that? persever until the end, fly to heaven on broken wings, pride gone beyond redemption, i guess at least they tried. can i cast aside my difidence, built up by many years of defiance? determination, can you save our souls, or is it just too late? i sound like the frikkin antichrist.

i hate life. it's so strange; our solo purpose is to produce offspring to keep the human race alive, right? but why? what is the point of keeping a species alive? it's almost like a couple of infinate beings, 'god's' if you like, are having a competition to see who can keep which species, plantful of species', or even universe alive for the longest. that would make a lot more sense. there we go, that is my theory: god is a gambler and one of many. but then how did god get here? do god and his cronies have a belief system? i would so laugh if they prayed to the infinate wisdom of 'human.' irony makes my life complete. well, that and romanticism; i'm only a cynic because i'm afraid to be a romantic.

i've got a strange thing going on inside my head: a crazy kind of notion, thick, choking pollution, blackened to the bone, no doubt about it. why am i in top set english?

i kinda went off on a tangant there, i'd forgotten how much i enjoy writing about myself. but yeah, i've just been looking through my diary...

24th sept. happy birthday izzie. ed, ed, ed.
26th nov. godspell. loren. drop out?
28th nov. ouch, buise. foundation. tim: "izzie, have you got a bruise under your eye?"
30th nov. mocks.
6th dec. letter from dad.
8th dec. two petty arguments in one day.
9th dec. it's all downhill from here.
25th dec. fight, fight fight.
6th march. fml.



... and realized i've written in it so little since i got a blog. i've also realized how honest (and how harsh), i am about people compared to on here. lolololololololol. time to read through my blog -reads- i like my second post, that was one of the best moments of my life. -reads on- why was i so obsessed with difficult boy (his name's tim)? i have bad taste. cambridge was brilliant though, i might have to see banana boy again (james sims, this one's called). -carries on reading- ahh new years eve.

1. to quit smoking by 2011. that's not going to happen. i don't have a reason to quit.
2. to work. now that is happening, i've actually been doing my cousework, which is a start.
3. to give up on difficult boy and find someone else. lying to myself counts.
4. to find my friends and keep them. yeahh, still working on that one.

-reads- grandad. you've gone but my feelings for you are forever. we didn't see eye to eye on many things, partly because i take after you so much. i miss you, i love you. -reads on- yeahh, i've lost the game. but now the game has changed, i might have a chance. it's not about finding, it's about losing, it's about hurting. -carries on reading- ahh, my head is beautiful. it still looks like that as well. hmm, my to kill list; loren, you are not nameless person; you did not hit me with a baseball bat when i was just a fetus.

sometimes i wonder, if i will see,
it through the darkened days, and i,
never can be sure, cause life is such,
a fragile thing and i, owe it all to you,

cause you just left me there, when i needed you,
thanks alot baby. if you want to know something,
really sad, then i still love you to bits.
more than anything, and it's tearing my apart.
reminissence: that was the first song i ever wrote. i was eleven, i sat in a pear tree in turkey.

anywayyss, i could tell you all what i really think of you. i could, but shall i? yeahh, why not. but be warned: before you read, i am in a bad mood, so it will not be flattering and i won't be explaining any of it, so if you don't understand, tough shit. alphabetical order, me thinks:

Beesley. you hide behind your funny-because-they're-purposely-shit jokes, don't you?
Cameron. loren doesn't fancy you, neither do riah, rachel, me or any other girls who happen to have a conversation with you. you're funny, but i think you're so two-faced. i love the fact you hate me, it's entertaining.
Ed. why did i like you? you're a strange kettle of fish, but i'm glad i'm over what a cunt you were. have fun with your petty little life.

she, know what everybody thinks, so she tries so hard to fit, the image that they give her.
he, takes a look around himself and doesn't like what he sees, but is blind to what's really there.i wish i could write lyrics.

Grace. i miss you. i feel like you've replaced me with loren, but what can you do, eh? that's probably just my insecurities getting the better of me.
Hazel. reading through my blog made me remember why i argued with you. do that again and you lose me for good, but i don't want that to happen. you're a part of my life now.
James M. you are so annoying, it makes me want to spontaniously implode. but i guess you have to have one annoying friend.
James S. i can't talk to you without thinking about that six months or so when you went crazy. sometimes i wonder if we will end up married, but then i realize how it would never work; we're too different. you're also bloody annoying.
Katie. the more i get to know you, the more i like you. you're hard to suss out, but i think i'm getting there. i will say that you don't need to lie about anything, because you're at your best when you're being honest. don't fuck off when you go to college, i still want to see you.

they've got matching towels in the bathroom, chairs in the lounge and if you go into the kitchin, you'll find egg-cups on a stand. they seem to lead the perfect life: never arguing, never fighting, but  is life really what it seems? and i wish i could sing.

Kyle. a good friend of mine thinks you have hidden depths. i disagree, but i hope for her sake she's right.
Loren/Lulu. you don't like sharing people, do you? i love loren to bits, but i don't like lulu at all. please stick with loren; it's actually you, not some farcade you feel you need to put on. the real you is bloody amazing. oh and everyone thinks you're either going to get with cameron or tim. my bets on tim, so if it does ever happen, you can talk to me like he's lawrence or hugo or someone. and don't ever leave my life.
Mollie. similar to what i said to katie; don't lie, you're at your best when you're being honest. i like you a lot more than i used to, which, i think is a maturity thing.
Riah. you don't always have to like someone, especially based on their looks. the boys you go for are so shallow; don't fall for them because of the same reasons they pick pretty airheads. you're way above that petty immaturity, but unfortunately some people never go out of it. you don't leave my life either.
Roxy. wear less layers; it's not constantly minus 10000000 degrees out there. yes, you're right; i do get annoyed with you alot, but i love you to bits for your kind heart. soo don't change, unless you're gonna build up your self-confidence. it needs doing.
Sam. sorry if i've led you on, but i am starting to like you now. let's just take it slow.

she, is pacing up and down her room, tearing up all the songs she used to write when she was young.
he, collects all the bits of paper, cherishing them like his own, not realizing they are about him.then i'd have a caeer made.

Tim. i don't want to steal loren/rachel/whoever from you, so there's no need for the bitchiness; you need to realize that as long as we're at the same school we're going to share mutual friends. i honestly can't wait for you to disappear from my life, because then (withouth being over melodramatic), the pain will finally start to fade.
Will. i get the feeling you like me a lot more now, why is that? tim? although we didn't get on brilliantly when we had our little group of me+loren+you+tim. people say you've changed; i agree, but they need to get over it.
i'm sure i'll think of more people later.

 am i not pretty enough, is my heart too broken?
do i cry too much, am i too outspoken?
i live, i breathe, i let it rain on me,
why do you see right through me?
am i not cool enough, am i too confident?
do i laugh too much, is it time that i went?
i live, i breathe, i let it rain on me,
i fall, i wake, i try so hard not to break,
i beg, i plead, i fall down on my knees,
why do you see right through me?

caio.